I dunno what's been up today. As usual, nothing interesting has happened today and I am still a useless failure with no skills other than being able to create unfinished artwork and gaslight people into thinking I'm still weak and pathetic. Today I vented to my brother about how nothing has happened and how I still can't play the guitar. He tried to get me to practice this thing my mom gave me for Christmas (not a guitar) but I couldn't understand how to do SHIT. Eventually he pulled out his rollerblades and I wanted to join in, so I put on my own rollerblades. Here's the thing, my younger brother can already move around in his roller skates, and I struggled to even get up. I went around for a while until my mom pushed me forward and I fell. Afterward I wanted to give up because I know every mistake I make, I'm going to get hurt and cry like a useless piece of shit. (I'm crying while typing this, go figure.) I went upstairs and started this page. It'll just be a place for me to vent without revealing who I am because I'm scared of being labeled as inferior at all, because I have this fucking superiority complex because all my life I've been used. And it's no different now, given that one of my best friends fucking hates me now. And I hate him. He came back from the psych ward after about a month or two of being gone and he just brushed me off. As if everything we had in July was fake. As if everything before was fake. And I believe it might've been. Or maybe he's still mad at me for threatening suicide in August, which was because nobody wanted to help me. He sat there, watched me cry, and did nothing. God fucking damn it. I guess everything we had was fake, after all. Anyway, what else do I bitch and moan about? Oh right, I don't have a fucking room! My mom kicked me out of my own room because she decided to get herself another ferret. Context, we got a ferret in July despite me not caring for one anymore and then I left my mom to take care of it and eventually she got so concerned for the ferret being bored so she got another one and KICKED ME OUT OF MY OWN ROOM. I LIVE IN MY YOUNGER BROTHER'S ROOM, I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE HOUSE FOR PRIVACY AND MY MOM SOMEHOW CARED MORE FOR THAT THING BEING BORED THAN MY MENTAL HEALTH. I AM DROWNING IN THESE FUCKING THOUGHTS OF HAVING TO BE SUPERIOR AND BEING USELESS AND MEETING THE EXPECTATIONS OF FRIENDS I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE AND NOBODY WANTS TO HELP. I MIGHT AS WELL JUST THREATEN SUICIDE FOR ATTENTION AGAIN. FEELING SILLY MIGHT JUST DO THAT
A day later. Last night my laptop died and wouldn't charge. My charger is broken to the point of only charging my laptop in very specific positions. So I had nothing to calm me down. I started scratching violently at my left arm, intending for it to cut open and bleed. It never did. I have no idea what I was going on about last night. Regardless, it didn't scar. I also tried reforming the crown-shaped scar on my thigh I cut last year, to no results. But that's not what happened today, what happened today was that said best friend from yesterday didn't hate me. See how stupid and deceptive to my own thoughts I am? Anyway, I don't know how things are between us right now. He confronted me, told me he didn't hate me, but now things seem a little awkward thanks to my previous perceptions. But that's just how things always were. July IS long gone, after all.
I'm so fucking tired and depressed... I wasted the whole weekend venting and attention-seeking like a pathetic fucking peasant while everyone else ignored me. I was going to watch Bride of Reanimator with my friend (we had watched Reanimator two nights before) but as soon as we were going to start, my parents took me away to go to some museum with tanks and shit. I'm glad my brother enjoyed himself but the timing was genuinely fucking horrible. I had been depressed and I felt like watching another movie with such a dear friend could've helped me, but no, I just had to be dragged along for some gawking my family was doing while I continued on to sulk. And of course, said friend watched the movie without me. I'm not mad, though, just.. kind of disappointed. Anyway, it's Monday now. When I woke up, I wanted to confess certain feelings to my best friend over CuriousCat because I'm just that fucking predictable. Besides my attachment to them, we're both pathetic and inferior to everyone so I thought we'd match perfectly. But my mom's pretentious ass decided to push me around the house before I could even try to access my laptop, and eventually I was shoved into the bus. Here, in school, everything is blocked. I'm not fucking joking. Social media sites are blocked, Discord is blocked, even A SPECIFIC NUMBER OF VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE are blocked. (Non-educational, or "inappropriate") videos. Spotify isn't strictly blocked, but whenever I try to access it, some stupid warning about "An application that is stopping Chrome from safely connecting to this site" comes up, pissing me off. I have nothing left to vent to except here. I can't even listen to music. When the FUCK will it end? When the FUCK will this bullshit end? The second I die, that's when.
Consistently mentioned "friend" thinks I softblocked him on Twitter, but I genuinely don't remember. sigh I wish he could just tell me he hates me and get it over with already goddamn it
Oh also I guess I got a parner a few days ago but now I feel icky considering I was matchmade with her by friends I barely know anymore instead of confessing to her given I liked her since August
A whole ton of shit happaned the week following my birthday. I'll have to write about it later, I'm kind of tired
hello friends that still remain...sorry for the trouble lately. I want you all to know that I am currently safe and I hope things can get better for myself as I stay offline. I will be updating this site with stuff that happens irl because I think it'd be somewhat assuring to you guys to know what I'm up to? If you haven't broke off with me, anyway.
today wasn't all that great, I spent the whole day sick and disgusted at myself and at everybody else on twt. In an attempt to make me feel better, my mom decided to get me Scott Pilgrim 2 + 3 from a Newbury Comics which I still felt terrible after, but appreciated nonetheless. I watched a bit of Seinfeld with my brother and gained a newfound love for Moral Orel. It was gonna happen eventually.
I doubt it right now given our circumstances but even then I hope you're all doing okay. Charlie, Kenny, Sylvie, I miss you guys a ton already, and to the rest of you too, especially the JDU gang. sorry we never were able to talk so much as of late. I hope you all have a better night this time around.
oh my god fucking forget it my period came today and it hurts like actual hell like it always does when it comes whwy cna't I be normal
[later] my brother's been tryna help. it still hurts like a bitch but I appreciate him and his funny scott pilgrim jokes.
[even later] mid ass day I've been bedridden for most if not the entire day lmao
kind of a slow day but it was fun. watched a bit of arrested development with my brother. [which I can proudly say is my favorite show oh my GOD] might've gotten a posthumous visit from jaiden phonic. girl you can do what you want but no matter what I'm never gonna die